Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
