just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
