you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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