I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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