my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
