it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
