I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
