I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
