I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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