I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
