If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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