to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
