I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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