Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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