I wish I could teleport
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize