I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I need a beard to bite.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
