Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
