her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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