highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
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