i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
