Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just gift wrapped bread.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize