matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
