I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
