he wants to bone in the snuggie
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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