Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
