I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
