Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
