There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
