So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
worst night to have a conscience
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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