when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
