just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
