The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
The ass gains better be worth it
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