Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
