sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
