He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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