Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
