I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
