It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
