I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
