My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
