You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
