Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My penis needs a shock collar
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
