If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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