my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
