smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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