Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
This is my gift to your gina
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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