that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
