My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
