Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
