she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
