you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
