The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize