I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You don't make any sense
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