everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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