im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
