omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
