Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
