Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
